I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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