You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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