RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
