Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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