Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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