Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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