i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
