I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
