I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
