What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
