forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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