so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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