Your face is a jimmy john
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i drank out of a bidet.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
