You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize