this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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