census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
