No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
