I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
