Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
