Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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