My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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