i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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