Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
