you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
