There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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