That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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