She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
