the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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