I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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