he was CRYING into my vagina
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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