he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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