I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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