there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
