just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
