im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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