Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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