so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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