I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
