Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
