Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
