Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
