I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
