I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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