Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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