shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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