My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
