my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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