Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
