You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
