My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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