Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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