Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
