Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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