omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
