By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
