it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
