We named our party play list daddy issues
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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