There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
