I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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