I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
