guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
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