Umm I'm too high to move.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize