i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
