I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
